Singled Out

Why is everything still so hard for me? Everywhere I go I'm reminded of what was and it is still too difficult for me to deal with. Out of all of my close friends, which is a pretty large number, I've always been the "single one." Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but seeing as how that's the way it was for most of high school and most of college, I'm honestly sick of that label.

I'm not saying that I'm desparate for a boyfriend, but it's really hard for me to be 100% myself, when I constantly feel that I don't quite fit. It's like forcing a puzzle piece where it doesn't belong; it's just not the right fit.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends and am totally happy for them. I'm glad that a couple of them have even found someone that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. I love them and their significant others. Not only that, but they do their best to make me feel loved, which I do feel loved by them, but it's still awkward being the 3rd, 5th, or 9th wheel when it comes to hanging out with everyone.

But it's hard for me to do the things I love, when it seems as though it's a couples only kind of thing. Camping is a ritual between my friends and I during the summer, and as much as I would love to go if I could, I just know that I would constantly feel weird since everyone going is a couple...except for me. Sure I could sit in the middle of a canoe with one of the couples or rent my own kayak, but it's just not the same.

So what are my options? It is just too difficult for me to be happy in so many circumstances where I feel "singled out." And it's not my friends' doing or anyone else's, it's mine. So I'm just trying to find ways to not feel awkward and alone, but lately I feel the most comfortable when I shut myself in my room or do an outdoor activity by myself, such as running or rollerblading.

For now, I look forward to my trip to Morocco and Rome, where I can just get away from it all. Maybe it's exactly what I need. Maybe I'll come back a changed person. I certainly hope so since I don't like the person I am right now...