"When I Get Older, I Will be Stronger..."

I finally got the courage to stand up for something that I thought I never could...myself. With sweaty palms and the rumbling of my heart within my chest, I made the choice to do what is best for me...for the time being. I'm letting myself heal, one small step at a time, and am slowly recovering. There are sometimes roadblocks in our lives where we have the choice to tear them down. But these roadblocks will only get larger if we don't eventually do something about them. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that when this happens, it's only twice as hard to tear them down. I will continue to tear down these walls I've built up around myself. My hands may be swollen, bloody, and sore, but I will one day look proudly upon the rubble at my feet.

A Spiritual Moment

As I flipped open my Bible yesterday evening I found myself silently crying as I read the first verse that my eyes focused on. It was in the book of Psalms. These are the words that stood out to me.

Psalm 43

Vindicate me, O God...

You are God my stronghold. Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?

Send forth your light and your truth, let them guide me...

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

"You've Given Me"

You’ve given me ways to live,
Ways to see,
Ways to believe.

You’ve opened my eyes,
Opened my mind,
Opened doors for all of Mankind.

You’ve granted me many things,
Granted me peace,
Granted me a sense of ease.

You’ve fought unforeseen evils,
Fought my feelings of emptiness,
Fought for closeness.

You’ve taken my sins,
Taken my shame,
Taken the blame.

You’ve given me reasons to go on,
Reasons to never give up,
Especially when times are tough.

THANK YOU.

Thank You to All

Life has been pretty difficult for me lately. I have felt trapped in what I figured was a useless life here on this planet. However, I'm starting to break free from those thoughts a bit and am beginning to enjoy myself, and life, once again. I know that I still have a very long road ahead of me, but I refuse to give up. I still struggle with finding myself and figuring just who I want to/should be. But I plan on facing that head on. I've found that running in the opposite direction only makes things worse, for me and everyone else around me.

This positive change would not be possible if it weren't for the good people that I surround myself with on a daily basis. My close family and friends have really helped me to see my importance. I love them all and thank God for placing each and every one of them in my presence when I need them the most. I hope they know I will gladly return the favor if ever needed. No questions asked.

SNL Never Ceases to Amaze Me

This SNL skit is pretty hilarious.

Zzyzx Road

The lyrics of this song explain a lot of what I'm feeling and going through right now...

I feel out of limbo with my current environment, almost like a vapor simply standing by. I see other things changing around me, but it's like my life is at a standstill, immovable and trapped.

This is one of the reasons that I chose to apply to go to Africa in the first place. I need a change of venue, and am excited to completely immerse myself in another continent's culture for a while. I'm hoping this trip will aid me in getting rid of my "don't care" attitude.

Singled Out

Why is everything still so hard for me? Everywhere I go I'm reminded of what was and it is still too difficult for me to deal with. Out of all of my close friends, which is a pretty large number, I've always been the "single one." Normally, this wouldn't bother me, but seeing as how that's the way it was for most of high school and most of college, I'm honestly sick of that label.

I'm not saying that I'm desparate for a boyfriend, but it's really hard for me to be 100% myself, when I constantly feel that I don't quite fit. It's like forcing a puzzle piece where it doesn't belong; it's just not the right fit.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends and am totally happy for them. I'm glad that a couple of them have even found someone that they are going to spend the rest of their lives with. I love them and their significant others. Not only that, but they do their best to make me feel loved, which I do feel loved by them, but it's still awkward being the 3rd, 5th, or 9th wheel when it comes to hanging out with everyone.

But it's hard for me to do the things I love, when it seems as though it's a couples only kind of thing. Camping is a ritual between my friends and I during the summer, and as much as I would love to go if I could, I just know that I would constantly feel weird since everyone going is a couple...except for me. Sure I could sit in the middle of a canoe with one of the couples or rent my own kayak, but it's just not the same.

So what are my options? It is just too difficult for me to be happy in so many circumstances where I feel "singled out." And it's not my friends' doing or anyone else's, it's mine. So I'm just trying to find ways to not feel awkward and alone, but lately I feel the most comfortable when I shut myself in my room or do an outdoor activity by myself, such as running or rollerblading.

For now, I look forward to my trip to Morocco and Rome, where I can just get away from it all. Maybe it's exactly what I need. Maybe I'll come back a changed person. I certainly hope so since I don't like the person I am right now...