"Cut"

Client
She tried to stop her hands from shaking as she pryed the little yellow pencil sharpener apart. She just about had it split apart when there was a a jangle of keys and a knock at her bedroom door. Adrenaline kicked in as she quickly tucked the sharpener under her pillow and somehow managed to find the words, "Come in."

She opened the door to one of her staff coming to check up on her. She tried to hide the feelings of distress that were plaguing her.

Staff
I noticed that she was upset after we returned from the dollar store. I volunteered to take three of the clients to get some snacks and drinks for the night. It was their reward for being on level A for the day and for following their program on the unit.

After we returned to the unit, she ate her snack and seemed to be in a good mood. However, her mood changed drastically after she took her PM meds. She began pacing from the living room, to the staff office, and towards the door. The door is what worried me most because I feared she would try and run away. All it would take would be for her to hit the buzzer. Due to fire codes, she'd only have to wait a mere fifteen seconds before the lock would automatically open, giving her the freedom to run outside, and me the job of chasing her down and escorting her back into the building.

When she went into her room without saying anything, I knew that she would try to self-harm. I followed her to her room, knocked on her door, and then opened it with my key when she told me it was okay to come in.

I could tell by the look on her face that she was upset. She always avoided eye contact with people when she let her emotions get the best of her. "What's going on," I asked her. She kept fiddling with the corner of her pillowcase, eyes fixed on that corner. She immediately stated that she was, "Fine!" It was more like an uncontrollable yelp than an answer to my question. I explained that I'd feel more comfortable if she came and hung out with me and the rest of the girls in the living room.

Client
When the staff asked her if she would come out of her room, she saw her chance to get rid of the burning under her skin. "I need to put on my pajamas first." The staff frowned at her answer and told her she would have plenty of time before her bedtime to get dressed. She knew this staff was good at reading at her nonverbal cues, so she had to think fast. "These jeans are too tight and are hurting me. I just want to put on my PJ pants ok?!" Again, the staff frowned and reminded her to be respectful. She then told her she had to be out of her room in two minutes.

Damn, this is going to be harder than I thought, she said to herself as the staff closed her door. She knew that her staff would be waiting at the end of the hallway for her to come from her bedroom. She had to act fast.

Underneath her pillow, the pencil sharpener was still there. She quickly picked it up off the bed and used her fingernails to finish prying it apart. She tossed the yellow, plastic pieces onto her floor. They weren't important to her. The little, shiny blade was all she needed. She held it between her index finger and thumb, turning it so that it gleaned from her ceiling light. As the light bounced off the blade, she imagined how it was her very own knight, coming with his sword drawn to rescue her from the flashbacks. She was afraid to fall asleep. Too many bad things had happened to her when she fell asleep. She vowed to never let herself be that vulnerable ever again. But there was a problem with that-her night meds made her sleepy.

She knew there was only one way out of this. Still holding the blade in between her thumb and index finger, she slowly lowered it toward her arm. It was already covered with her previous and vain attempts to kill the deep pain within. She knew there wasn't much time left before her staff came back to her door. She pushed the blade down on her skin until the pain slowly seeped out, draining out of her body drop-by-drop....

Staff
I timed her and when she didn't come out of her room in two minutes, I grabbed a pair of gloves from the office, hastily put them on, and went back to her bedroom. I opened her door without knocking and saw the drops of dark red liquid on the floor. My adrenaline then kicked in...